We Never Talk Anymore

So, lately I've been feeling really down on myself about... well, just about everything (except my looks... I'm not narcississtic, I just don't even think about it. My looks are something I've long since accepted). Obsessiveness is not something I'm proud of anymore. I'm ashamed to share my trivia knowledge about Whose Line. I'm ashamed to even bring it up anymore. I keep to myself because somehow I've gotten the thought that people don't care when I speak. At acting class, I do my best to not do anything, because when the attention's on me I always feel like I fail - I was never good at improv, and since the people at acting neither know me nor try to, I get the feeling they think I'm incompetent. I never speak up in class, because I'm always going to be wrong somehow. And I don't watch Whose Line to feel better because I'm ashamed and afraid of obsessiveness now.

The point is that my self esteem, just lately, has been absolutely rock bottom. The thing is, I've found, is that this starts with me thinking a lot about stuff, and then out of consideration for other people who will probably not be interested, I don't express those thoughts. And then I think more. And it goes into this whole thing of thinking too much and doing too little, and I end up feeling useless and alone and just all around bad about myself.

Now I've said time and time again that me and my mind can be friends for hours and hours before we finally get sick of each other. Hell, that's what the weekend is for - I very seldom ever hang out with friends on the weekend. But if me and my mind spend too much time together without taking a break, it just wreaks havoc on both of us.

And I've traced this affect back to its source - the feeling that I don't talk about things that are on my mind.

Now VERY VERY often the things I want to share are trivial, useless things that I've analyzed and that I find fascinating because if you analyze anything it'll end up being fascinating. I've learned from experience that people aren't interested in things like this, and that they may in fact get annoyed if I talk about it because it appears uninteresting, so I usually keep these things to myself.

But what I really desperately need is someone that I can just tell all my thoughts to. Well, maybe not all of them, but someone that will forgive me for boring them with tidbits that I for some unknown reason find unbelievably fascinating. But even more than that, more than someone who will listen, is someone who cares. And even more than THAT, is someone who will go the step further and DISCUSS it with me. I wouldn't say things if I didn't want to discuss it. I want to hear other people's thoughts. I want to take it into consideration. I want to DEBATE with someone about things. Debates are what I LIVE for. Not heated arguments, mind you. Spirited debates. We can get significantly excited about expressing our opinion, and listening to others and then working to prove your own point, and then be friends about it. I LOVE that.

The problem is that I don't analyze things enough to spark a debate - at least, not things that people would know or care about. Whose Line? Plenty of analysis involved, believe it or not. I would love nothing more than to debate with someone about Colin's style of improvising - I myself think he plays the straight man most of the time, but I know some people would disagree with me. THAT IS WHAT I WANT. I WANT someone to know enough about it to disagree with me.

But I also know that no one in my immediate vicinity will. So I keep it to myself. I crave debates, but I have nothing about which to debate. And thus it begins.

I really wish I had a whoser friend - I have a few friends who enjoy Whose Line, and know enough about it, but real genuine whosers like myself, who follow the cast members and know the scenes by their fan-given titles and actually spend time THINKING about it? That's a different story.

I just really wish there was someone who I could discuss things with. Some people can be fine without expressing every thought they have. I am not one of those people. And it's a problem.

I'm grateful for the friends I have, don't get me wrong. They always know how to cheer me up, and how to start a conversation I will listen to and get involved in. I just wish there was someone who I could discuss all my thoughts with. Every single obsessive one.

But there's not. *sigh*

P.S

I made a Wordle out of this post. In a strange way, it really speaks to me about how I'm feeling.

One Of a Kind

I'll go back to Whose Line rants soon, but I just had an epiphany and it's going to be hard to explain right, and at first you're going to think "No sh*t, sherlock", but bear with me.

The epiphany I had is this:

Everyone is different.

That would be the "No sh*t, sherlock," moment. But just see me through here.

We all know it in theory. We know in theory that everyone is different. But how well can we really know it if we don't know the personality of every single person on this planet earth? There's somewhere around six billion people in the world, and not a single one is exactly the same as any other.

Are you starting to see the hugeness yet?

In theory, we know that everyone is different. And yet, we still end up saying things like "everyone shops at [insert random store here]" or  "everyone likes [insert musical artist here]." As if we were the odd ones out. But the truth is this: everyone is the odd one out in their own mind because everyone has something different about them.

Let me try explaining it like this:

I often think that I am very different than everyone else, because I'm into old, unpopular shows and old, retro music and I don't like to..... well, to show myself off and so on and so on. And I often say the word "everyone" to show how different I am from "everyone." But to anyone else, I am part of that "everyone". No matter how hard we try to separate ourselves from that "everyone", we will always be part of that "everyone", because we can't possibly get everyone in the world to know my singular personality, and get everyone to know that I am different than the rest of the world.

Because absolutely every person is different.

I'm sure everyone finds some trait about themselves that they think is strange or weird or unusual, or apart from "everyone". But to every other person, they are part of the "everyone" because no one can know everyone well enough to separate them from the "everyone". Does that make any kind of sense?

We like to pretend that we are the only ones in the world that differ from the crowd. But everyone differs from the "everyone" in some way. The "everyone" doesn't actually exist, because if every person is different and are separate from the "everyone" then the "everyone" is nothing.

I'm starting to confuse myself. Is ANYONE understanding what I'm trying to say?

I realized it while I was thinking today. I was on the computer, logging into my Google account. And I suddenly realized:

I am the only one in the world that is exactly like myself. I am the only one in the world with my exact experiences, birthday, obsession with Whose Line, possible mild autism, passion for storytelling...... there is no one else in this world with all of my traits and experiences that make me me.

And absolutely everyone in the world is exactly like that in that they are not exactly alike in any way.

Try to imagine the hugeness of this notion for one minute:

Out of six billion people (or thereabouts), who all have basic human needs, not one of those six billion people are exactly like any other. They ALL have different experiences. They ALL have different interests. They ALL have different insecurities, they ALL have different little quirks. And even if someone shares traits - for example, I share a birthday with a girl in my class, I share a love of Whose Line with a friend of mine, I share possibly autism with many people.... but I am the only one out of all the world with precisely the same COMBINATION of traits, and if I were missing even one of them, I wouldn't be the person who is writing this post right now.

Now think about that.

Now think about that again - but stretch the idea to fit around over six billion people.

It's kind of an amazing idea, isn't it? And it's true. It's totally and completely true.

And it wouldn't be nearly as amazing if it wasn't.

Stupid, and Yet It Is So

I'll get to the point. My dream is to go on the Conan O'Brien show.

He's so funny! And he's had kids on before. There were kids my age on his show. And I'd be on TV. And I'd get to meet somebody who used to write for the Simpsons. And I'd get to meet CONAN O'FRIGGIN BRIEN. He is so funny! He's met, like, everyone who's on the Big Bang Theory..... he's met Steve Martin, many times...... he's met so many cool people, and my dream is to be one of them. I just have to become famous. That can't be so hard, can it? I've got talents..... writing, singing, acting, directing...... all of which Conan has had on the show. Is it really so unattainable to go on as a guest star?

(Let's start with first of all, you're Canadian......)

(SHUT UP BRAIN.)

(And no one knows who the heck you are....)

(SHUT UP BRAIN.)

(And, oh yeah, you're not interesting!)

(SHUT UP BRAIN.)

(What are the odds of you getting famous?)

(SHUT UP BRAIN.)

(Do you think he lets on random kids no one's ever heard of? He doesn't.)

(SHUT UP BRAIN.)

(It's not going to happen. Accept it.)

(SHUT UP BRAIN.)

(Why do you wanna go on the Conan O'Brien show, of all things, anyways?)

CAUSE IT'S MY KINDA SHOW, GORRAM IT. It's famous people meets cheesy jokes meets ridiculousness. MY KINDA SHOW.

On Obsessions

Obsessions; why do they happen?

I've been obsessed with Shakespeare, Greek Mythology, the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, and now Firefly. And I've been looking through it all, and wondering, why can't I just like these things? Why does everything I like have to become an obsession? Is there some deeper meaning in these things for me? What do they actually mean to me besides an ancient playwrite, old myths, a sci-fi series from the 1960s and a sci-fi/western show that only lasted a season on the air?

My friend Alexis obsesses over things too. Not over the same things mind you; things like the ICONic Boyz, and One Direction. But if asked why she likes them so much, she would probably either reply

"Cause they're f***ing hot!"

or

"Because they inspire me to follow my dreams. Do you know their story?!" .....and then go off on a rant.

And that's understandable if you pay attention to the "inspire me to follow my dreams" part. But Shakespeare doesn't do that for me. Nor does Greek Mythology, nor HHGTTG nor Firefly. So what IS it that brings me to obsess?

I also discovered I obsess differently than other people. Me and my cousin Madeleine are HUGE obsessers and HUGE geeks. She has an entire folder that has over 800 pictures completely devoted to... it was either Star Trek or De Kelley. You get the idea.

But I don't collect pictures. I don't know what I'm going to do with 800 pictures of stuff. What am I going to do, stare at them? I suppose it's handier to have around when you feel like showing your cousin you have Firefly stuff, but besides that, it doesn't really serve a purpose does it?

But give me some footage - behind the scenes, clips from the series, anything - and I'm happy all day long. Heck, I could watch the same footage of Firefly for hours on end! But pictures? What purpose does that serve?

Why am I like this? It's weird, isn't it?

And I've been rifling through my head as a secondary task as I carry on my day, trying to find somewhere that Firefly might hit me deep, but I haven't found anywhere. It's just kind of a phenomenon that I could like a series so much without having an actual connection with it.

I'll get back to you when I know more about this.

Peace out, Homers

Margie.

The Quest for True Happiness

It makes me wonder. What IS true happiness? People seem plenty happy when they're putting on make up and trying to make themselves look better. But my firm belief is that you cannot become more beautiful than you already are. Because then you just look fake. I think people would be more happy if we all were ourselves. Like me. I don't care what people think of me. I don't. Sure, sometimes people make fun of you every so often. If you're being yourself though, to you it shouldn't matter. If you're being yourself, you realize that this is you and you have a beautiful soul no matter what other people say or what you've done in the past. If you realize this, you also realize that they have no right to make fun of you and that half wit judgments like theirs never impact your life. Maybe it'll seem like a big deal then. Maybe. But it isn't really. So try to keep life in perspective. When you're an old person, looking back on it, you won't break down crying, will you? No. You will laugh and say "Oh, those poor girls." And I believe that is the outcome of a little something I like to call True Happiness. So remember: though the path of individuality seems hard now, it is rewarding if you'd only stick with it.