Well, Christmas is here. In a day. It sure came quickly this year, didn't it?
There are lots of things I could talk about with Christmas. I could talk about the over-commercialization and glorification, and the fact that most of the traditional Christmas story isn't actually true and was moved to winter to counter pagan ceremonies. There are a lot of things I could talk about.
But the thing about it is, all that is very cynical. True? Sure. But also very cynical. And I don't consider myself a cynical person. I am, however, honest.
And quite honestly, I really don't care that Christmas is all about commercializing everything. I love buying my friends and family presents that I'd overheard them saying was on their list. Now I know I've gotten them something they actually wanted, and I can feel good in knowing that I gave them something. And yes, there is also a good feeling in recieving too. I wouldn't attribute that all to pure greed, though. Isn't it nice just to know that someone thought about you, about what you would like, thought about making you feel good? Isn't that in itself just a wonderful warm feeling?
Not to mention that without the commercialization of Christmas, we wouldn't have a lot of wonderful things. Things like the movie Love Actually, or It's a Wonderful Life, or A Christmas Story, or even How the Grinch Stole Christmas. Stories about love, about the goodness of people, about the payoff of helping others above yourself, about family, about the spirit of unity and kindness. It's not all complete bullcrap. Yes, some parts of it are completely manufactured to get you to spend money, and maybe in other circumstances I would be griping about it, but we're not spending for ourselves, are we? We spend for others. Because we actually care, that's why. And that's the heart of the reason that I don't even pretend to be annoyed by the commercialization of Christmas. Because if there was anything for society to be pressuring us to do, as far as things go, buying gifts for the people you care about is not actually an awful thing.
Just drown yourself in the spirit of love and caring and joy and all that jazz! Also, drown yourself in egg nog. That stuff is the nectar of the gods.
So, with that, merry Christmas to everyone. Happy Hannukkah, if that's your thing. Have a fantastic Kwanzaa. What did the pagans celebrate? The solstice? Have a wonderful that. And hey, if you choose not to celebrate anything, that's fine too. Just enjoy the goodness of others. This may be the one time of year where it's fashionable to be kind to others, and you shouldn't take that for granted just because it stems from a celebration you choose not to partake in.
Just something to think about.
So, I hope that by the end of the holiday season, your heart has been reasonably warmed against the cold of December. That is, if it's cold where you are. Of course, I'm here in Vancouver, so just maliki liki maka, I guess! xD
I can't think of a good way to finish this post, so here's some Love Actually for you. If you can watch this without smiling even a little bit, then I'm pretty sure you don't have a soul. Also, if you haven't watched Love Actually, you really have to do that. Now enjoy the spirit of love and Christmas.
That is a series of books that I loved when I was in grade five.
And I still love to this day.
I always feel a little embarrassed, because when people ask about my favourite books, I say Misery, Duma Key, Hitchhiker's Guide, and oh yeah, Artemis Fowl. It was written for ten year olds, which is why everyone looks at me funny after I say it, but oh my god, the series is brilliant. I have accidentally (but inevitably) fallen back into the series for what is umpteenth time of an uncountable number of times in my life, but I always find myself burning the midnight oil to finish the book I've already read a hundred times previously. So, this is the obligatory rant associated with it.
General plot summary:
Artemis Fowl the Second, son of Artemis Fowl Senior, an irish crime lord with a large fortune gained by means that were mostly illegal. Except Artemis Fowl Senior got attacked by the russian mafia and is now missing, presumed dead, somewhere in the arctic, and Angeline Fowl, the wife, has basically gone insane with grief, to the point where she sometimes does not even recognize her own son. This leaves Artemis Fowl the Second, who is twelve years old, in charge of running the family business. However, the Fowl estate and fortune is not in incapable hands; it just so happens that this particular twelve year old is a genius and a criminal mastermind (I think one of the examples, besides the action packed adventures, is that he beat the world chess champion in six moves). It also happens that he's at just the in-between age where he's young enough to believe in fairies and magic, but old enough to want to exploit it (which is what his father taught him anyways; Aurum est potestas is the Fowl family motto, which means Gold is power). Fairies are real, of course. They live under the earth's crust, away from the rampant plague of humans destroying the world with violence and pollution and all manner of things. And in Haven City, the main capital of the fairy world, there is a woman police officer named Holly Short, a captain in the LEP (Lower Elements Police). Because she's a recon officer, this makes her a LEPrecon. Get it? LEPrecon? Like leprechaun? I friggin' love this series so much.
Anyways, long story short, Artemis kidnaps Holly and holds her ransom for fairy gold. After a lot of fighting, sieges, threats and underhanded schemes from both sides, Artemis manages to outsmart the fairies - which is not easy, considering they're at the very least fifty years beyond our technology, and also have magic, and..... various other specials skills. I don't want to spoil too much, but you know me. I'm going to go ahead and spoil it anyways.
The main players in the series are, of course, Artemis, his bodyguard/servant/one man army who is aptly called Butler (that's like, legit his name though), Holly Short, the LEP technical consultant Foaly (who is a centaur so he's called Foaly hardy har har), who is even a match for Artemis intellectually, LEP Commander Julius Root, and the kleptomaniac dwarf Mulch Diggums. Also appearing is Butler's sister, Juliet, and the recurring villain of the hour, the evil pixie Opal Koboi, who also happens to be a genius. Literally, by the end of the series there are five geniuses running around saving/destroying the world (Artemis, Foaly, Opal, the nemesis-turned-ally Minerva, and Artemis's little brother Myles).
First thing I loved about the series: it was clever. I mean, LEPrecon? HOW did they come up with that? Freakin' brilliant. Not to mention all of Artemis's outlandish, but genius and impressively believable plans. Amazing.
Second thing: if you know me, you know I love to laugh. Humour is something I love to constantly surround myself with, and something that has huge value to me. And the sense of humour in these books is flipping fantastic. Every single character has a smart aleck mouth on them that'll make you laugh out loud, from Artemis's withering brand of sarcasm to Holly's dryness, to Foaly delighting in his own annoyingness to Root's overly-macho routine, to Mulch's delight in having people hate him. Even Butler gets a quip in here and there. Just hilarious.
There was an exchange I read in one of the short stories that the author wrote along with the eight books, and it made me literally laugh out loud. It's Holly's initiation into the LEPrecon unit, and she's the first female in, so Root is skeptical. And he says,
"You have twenty minutes to cry, or pray, or whatever it is you females do. Then I'm comin' a-callin'."
to which Holly replies:
"Yessir. I'm going to start crying presently. Soon as you're over the horizon."
Methinks that was probably funnier in the story.
Oh, that story also included Root's brilliant line:
"Would you shut your trap? I'm trying to swallow my pride here!" Another line that made me literally laugh out loud.
Or how about when Artemis is trying to teach his little brothers how to order food in french, and little three-year-old Myles calls him a simpleton? These geniuses are just the best.
OH OH or how about when Artemis and Minerva first talk, and they go into this whole "UGH no one understands my intellectual jokes, it's so hard being a genius" conversation. Butler'd already been making jokes that Minerva was Artemis's girlfriend (to which the response was generally, "Wow, real mature Butler"), and as Artemis gets off the phone, Butler says, "So, how'd your first real conversation with a female go?" and Artemis replies with sarcasm to drown in, "Fabulous. We're planning a June wedding." Just cracks me up everytime.
Now, the series is obviously about growing up and stuff, which Artemis does - he goes from kidnapping fairies (and nearly killing a few of them) in book one to sacrificing his own life to save the human race in book eight. Pretty dramatic change. And I heartily appreciate that side of the series.
But what interests me more about the series is that it's about love. Family love, parental love, sibling love, friend love, everything except romantic love - and frankly, that's okay with me. We don't need romance in a book series about a teenage boy who considers wearing jeans and a T-shirt the most horrible of indignities and doesn't yet know how to talk to anyone without sounding pretentious and superior. I mean, this is partly why I love Artemis, I'm just sayin' that I do not begrudge the author at all for not introducing romance. In fact, I'm thankful. There are enough books about that stuff, and I've never cared about it.
ANYWAYS, my point is that this series is, more than anything, I would argue, about love. Yes, Artemis is nasty (not evil - don't be so quick to use the word evil), and the author has literally said that he named him Artemis Fowl because Artemis was the goddess of the hunt and Fowl sounds like Foul, so actually Artemis's name basically means foul hunter. BUT everything he ever does in the series is out of love. He only hunts the fairies not necessarily for greed (which he does undeniably have an abundance of - he was brought up to think like that) but to be able to have enough money to rescue his father who has been missing, presumed dead, in the arctic for over a year already. That is how much he loves his father. Also, let's not forget that at this point, his mother has been suffering from a crippling form of depression ever since Artemis Senior disappeared, and oftentimes his mother does not even recognize him. In the first interaction we encounter between Artemis and his mother, she says "Stop calling me Mother. I don't know who you are but you're certainly not my Arty." To which Artemis is forced to reply, "Of course, Mrs. Fowl. This is the last you'll see of me." Like, excuse me, my heart just broke. How does this happen within two chapters of a book?
TANGENTTANGENTTANGENT
I think my point was that, in spite of the fact that Artemis is not necessarily a NICE character (or even a happy character - now there's a thought), he is undeniably a LOVING character. This has motivated him to: heal his mother's depression (by bribing a fairy but still), rescue his father from the russian mafia, bring Butler back from technically being dead for twelve hours, bring a dead Holly back to life using complicated time-stream weirdness, go back in time in order to save his mother from a mysterious disease, and eventually sacrifice his own life. No, Artemis is not a nice character. Not in the least. He's conniving, untrustworthy, superior, greedy and generally just less than charming - and no, these qualities aren't very much altered even by the end of the last book. But you know what else he is? Loyal. Loving. Competent (which is very much an under-statement). His determination meter is equal to the circumference of the earth. And if you're in that exclusive circle of people (or People) that Artemis cares about, then he will quite literally go to any length to protect you. All in all, he's not quite the friendly conversationalist, but if he's watching your back then you're safe. Period.
I've talked a lot about Artemis's family (not nearly enough about the Butlers or the twins, but I may or may not get back to them), but now let's talk about Artemis, Holly, and the People. In book one, Artemis kidnaps her and holds her for ransom. Which, you know, is a less than endearing introduction, especially considering that Holly's a goddam LEPrecon badass that could have knocked the infuriating Mud Boy (the People's name for humans) to kingdom come if they'd not been on Fowl turf. As it was, Holly left Fowl Manor having to be satisfied with a punch to the Mud Boy's nose and half the ransom back in fairy hands. EXCEPT GUESS WHAT? There's another plot in Haven City that involves humans. And their number one suspect is Artemis Fowl.
Surprisingly enough, Artemis actually is innocent of something. Has no idea of this plot. But they manage to strike an uneasy deal where Artemis helps them with the plot (which turns out to be the first phase of the goblin rebellion) if they help him save his father from the russian mafia. The second book ends with Artemis and Holly not necessarily liking each other, but definitely having a mutual respect, something that Artemis had never anticipated - his intellectual superiority over most other people meant that most people he met were not considered worthy of his respect.
By the end of the series, Artemis and Holly had saved the world five times together, and there were definitely things that Artemis did along the way that seemed unforgivable, the secretive manipulative Mud Boy, but the important thing is that the two seem to at least understand each other and their motives. By the end of the series, they're good friends.
Here's a thought. Artemis and Holly are character foil (a term I learned in english class and have been eager to find examples of in my analysis practises). They exist as opposites in order to complement the other and highlight the qualities in each other that are important to the books. For instance, Holly's recklessness and split-second reactions to stressful situations highlight the fact that Artemis is able to foresee almost everything in a way that is very chess-player-like, and vice versa. Artemis has an irritating way of seeing everything in a very academic and detached way, leading his life with his brain. Holly is an extremely emotional character who often disobeys direct orders from her commander(s) in order to save lives, decidedly leading her life with her heart. This is at the core of what makes the two of them such a great team. Huh. Analyzing books is fun, isn't it? (This is what I am doing on my Friday night god I'm such a nerd).
Any other notable aspects of the book? Holly and Artemis, love, growing up, humour, family, hmmmm...... Okay. Let's talk about the villains of Artemis Fowl.
In the first book, it took me a while to figure out who the real villain was, because the conflict is undeniably character vs. character, and it pains me to say it because I love the kid, but Artemis is the villain of that book. And you know what? He was one of the most rounded and relatable villain characters I'd ever read about before. (How is it possible that a character so unlike any other can be simultaneously so relatable?) I've spent far too much time contemplating the balance between antagonist Artemis and protagonist Artemis (which is funny because in The Time Paradox, it literally becomes an Artemis vs. Artemis epic showdown) and after much debate amongst myself, I've come to the conclusion that Artemis is the villain of the first book, against the fairies. And an incredible and fascinating villain he was, too.
But it all kind of went downhill from there.
Don't get me wrong, I love the villains of Artemis Fowl. The ultra-narcissist megalomaniac Opal Koboi is to die for, Abbot the demon is wonderfully evil, Spiro proves that all businessmen are probably the devil, Turnball Root (recognize the name? He's Commander Root's older brother) is a positively delectable villain. It's all very entertaining.
My problem is that the well-rounded villain that I'd gotten a taste of in Artemis Fowl was not what followed.
Opal Koboi, the recurring villainess of the hour, a super-genius megalomaniac and probably more self-absorbed than Narcissus himself, is delightfully entertaining. Her plans are unpredictable, shocking, intricate, and positively operatic in the melodrama that ensues. Her narcissism has her thinking she can read people's minds, and only a character such as this, with such an overwhelming personality, can pull off the cliche "I want to watch them suffer, right after I tell them my entire evil plan". Which she does. On a regular basis.
As fun as she is to read about, she has no motive for her acts. Nothing to make her a rounded character. Just some world domination with a side of gruesome revenge, if you please. She's actually quite cliche. Which is, at least in part, what makes her so extremely entertaining, but from a character perspective it's a little bit of a let-down.
Spiro. Spiro was fun. One of those businessmen just booming with confidence, thought he was all that, and was able to pay a lot of people to make sure he was, in fact, all that. I mean, he didn't know what he was dealing with when he set out to kidnap Artemis. But he was a worthy foe, not by intellect of course, but because he had a lot of power on his side, and constantly had the upper hand. It's just the same problem though, isn't it? It's all about greed. And I know in my post about villains I said that my favourites were the ones who were just inexplicably evil for no real reason, which continues to be true (it's no coincidence that the book Spiro appears in is one of my favourites), but I do like characters with a few dimensions.
Abbot. Talking of inexplicable evil. The demon who took over the body of a warlock, killing him for no reason besides straight-up idiocy. Has got more brawns than brains - his mind is not where the threat lies. The threat lies in the fact that he's been ruling all the demons with a Hitler-like regime against humans and warlocks and every fairy that didn't continue fighting humans in the war. This is the only villain who seems to do the things he does for no conceivable reason at all. He's still fun to read about, don't get me wrong, because inexplicable evil is my favourite, but a lot of it seems oddly pointless.
Turnball Root. This one's my favourite, besides Artemis himself. This is for a few reasons. Firstly, backstory. He's the brother of Commander Julius Root, and was arrested and thrown in jail by him (and in one of the author's short stories, you see a whole bit between the two of them in which Turnball rants to Julius about jealousy and renders Julius helpless as a kitten, which is simply delicious). Secondly, he's not as smart or self-absorbed as Opal Koboi, which would make him almost comical, as Opal is. He is, however, quite smart enough to kill a lot of people from a jail cell thank you very much, and quite self-absorbed enough to be convinced of his own victory. If you've ever seen Speed, he's quite a bit like the terrorist in that movie. Not a genius, but quite smart. Not straight-coat, solitary confinement insane, but quite crazy enough to disregard a lot of lives to reach his own goals. One of my favourite interactions happen between Julius Root and Turnball Root in the short story:
(Turnball's about to feed a LEPrecon a spider that will literally tear it's way through his insides and kill him) Julius (weak as a newborn kitten, can't even stand up without throwing up kinda thing): Turnball, no. Turnball: I must. Think of it as already done. Julius: Turnball. It's murder. Turnball: Murder is a word. Just another word.
Thirdly: The guy's got class. You know those classy villains, that know just when to stop talking and just how to get the upper hand and has a billion cards up his sleeve, and never really loses his cool? He's like that. Which is awesome. Fourthly: Motive. It's not greed. It's not power. None of that stuff. It's simply about freedom. He wants to be free of the fairies that have been hunting him down for centuries (fairies live a really long time), and sure, maybe some revenge as a side-project, but his main goal is just being free. Strangely relatable, dontcha think? Fifthly: There was a quote from James Marsters, and I can't remember exactly how it goes, but it was to the effect of "In order to play a good villain, you need to find the love." Something I whole-heartedly agree with. Well, the author found the love with Turnball Root. His forbidden human wife, who he saved from a plane crash. They die together on her last flight ever. THESE are the dimensions I've been looking for. Not enough for us to totally sympathize with the villain, but enough to see that evil plans aren't the only things running around their minds, y'know?
Anyways. Villains. They're cool. Yeah.
Alright, let's talk Atlantis Complex.
In book seven of the series, Artemis starts showing actual, legitimate remorse for the crimes he committed in the past. Which is quite a bit of growth on his part. The problem with this is that, because he stole magic from the time-stream, this remorse shows up as the mental illness the Atlantis Complex, commonly in those with a guilty conscience, and generally exclusive to fairies, but because of his meddling with magic that didn't belong to him...
The Atlantis Complex seems to have symptoms of just about everything. OCD and psychosis mainly, and in extreme cases, multiple personality. It just so happens that Artemis has an extreme case. Which means that when he hits his head (after freaking out that all his friends were trying to kill him), he switches from our calculating, ruthless Artemis to whimsical and romantic Orion. (I'm just going to stop this right here - Orion. That's brilliant, isn't it? Because Artemis and Orion were enemies in greek mythology... the amount of mythological references in these books, man...) Orion has nowhere near the intellect that Artemis does - in fact, he's kind of a half-wit. Not that Artemis would be a whole lot of help either, considering he was in the middle of a total breakdown, but Orion is particularly unhelpful considering that Turnball Root is trying to kill everybody.
Now, mental illness of any kind is a touchy subject. There's a lot of things that are generally misunderstood about it - I am, of course, thinking of the whole "Have you tried NOT being depressed?" and "Doesn't it bother you that you have to take meds to feel normal?" mentality. And I was very happy to note that the author did not make these kinds of mistakes. Foaly and Holly don't blame Artemis for his illness, they just try to help him get through it. Not even willpower of Artemis's caliber brings him back to reality, because it isn't something he can help, can it? True enough. And then, in the end, he was seeing a psychiatrist, which is another move the author made that I approve of.
The only thing I would argue about is Artemis's "full recovery". Is it possible to fully recover from a mental illness? Well, I'm not an expert, but I'm fairly sure mental illness is something that can be... let's say, subdued, but never vanquished, y'know? Still, though, it never precisely said he didn't struggle, it just said that he'd recovered. So I suppose even there my argument doesn't have a whole lot of purpose. It didn't talk about it a whole lot after the seventh book, though.
Because after that is the eighth book, the grand finale of the series and holy wow stuff goes down. Full spoilers ahead, guys. Opal Koboi makes herself an ultra-powerful being, for one, and the second thing is that Artemis sacrifices his life to save humankind and HE DIES HOW COULD THEY DO THIS TO ME.
I guess it's not as bad as all that. I mean, he came back at the end. He'd been dead for six months, and what happened was that Foaly made a clone, as Artemis had instructed him to, and Artemis's spirit was able to possess it, as Artemis had essentially been existing as a ghost for six months, held on this plane by pure willpower. My problem with this is that, though the spirit is the same and the clone is almost exactly the same, IT ISN'T THE SAME. For one thing, the clone has six toes on one foot. We can thank Foaly for that one. But that's not as big a deal to me. The big deal to me is that the clone has TWO BLUE EYES. Ever since Holly and Artemis went through the time-stream together, they'd switched eyes, meaning they each had one hazel (from Holly) and one blue (from Artemis). And Artemis having two blue eyes, it just, it just seems to completely erase the history the two had shared in the long and eventful journey of their eventually becoming friends. Not to mention the fact that Artemis had completely forgotten who everyone was. That's bad also.
Argh. It was a satisfying end to the series, no doubt, with Artemis pulling the greatest trick out of his hat he'd ever pulled and cheating death, PLUS the incredible amount of growth implied by his sacrifice. These are all good things. But it also left me very upset, and that may or may not stem from the fact that there are no more books in the series.
I need cheering up now. Let's talk about Myles and Beckett. That should do it.
Artemis unexpectedly finds himself with twin three-year-old brothers, and has absolutely no clue how to handle it. This is very amusing. And also so cute. It's obvious that Artemis absolutely and completely adores his brothers, but especially in the case of Beckett, he just doesn't get them. Beckett is an average three year old boy, who delights in mischief. However, his twin Myles is an Artemis in miniature. Absolutely hilarious. Calls people "simpleton" and complains that his favourite loafers are ruined, and knows the periodic table of elements by heart and speaks with the same vocabulary that Artemis himself does. It's just so cute. I love the twins. I wish there'd been more of them in the series.
So, I think I've milked the series for everything I wanted to discuss. That should do it. I'd just like to add that the title of this..... casual essay, applies to both this post and the series itself. Mind=blown.
Also, if they do end up doing a movie of this series, as they've been planning to for a good decade or something (and I think I read somewhere that the author is currently working on the screenplay?) THEY HAD BETTER NOT BLOODY BOTCH IT. I AM DEADLY SERIOUS ABOUT THIS. IF THIS TURNS INTO ANOTHER INKHEART THEN I AM GOING TO HURT SOMEONE.
Thought I'd throw that out there.
[Edit: I just found out. The movie's moved out of "development hell" into pre-production. They're melding the first two books into one movie. I've spent a good hour today rocking back and forth in a corner worrying that they're going to completely butcher the entire thing. I know they will, I just KNOW that they will...]
Now, I'm currently in love with this music video created for the Artemis Fowl tour that the author went on. There were two songs that I've found: Call Me Artemis Fowl, and Complex: Atlantis. I find myself really not liking the Call Me Artemis Fowl one, but Complex: Atlantis has grown on me quite a bit, and the video that they created along with the song is very compelling and, well, just awesome. So here ya go. So you can appreciate it as well.
Hint: the empty white room? Is Artemis's mind. Boom. Also, there's a moment where it flickers between a serious Artemis and ruffled-hair smiling one, and that's the switch between Artemis and Orion. I just really enjoy this video in general.
Obligatory awesome quote from the book:
"If I win, I'm a prodigy. If I lose, then I'm crazy. That's the way history is written."
P.S I thought I was done but I discovered more Artemis Fowl awesomeness today.
Turns out that while the author was on his Artemis Rocks! tour to promote The Atlantis Complex, he was, first of all, making vlogs of his touristing, and second of all, touristing with someone who cosplayed as Artemis the whole time. This is hilarious because A) they stick out like a sore thumb - a grey-haired Irish guy wandering around with a teenager dressed in a suit and mirrored sunglasses - B) because the author is actually a really funny guy (he'd have to be, he thought up the characters Mulch and Foaly, didn't he?) and C) the guy who cosplays Artemis is really really good at staying in character. And all in all it's just awesome and is currently my favourite thing.
Okay, I'm seriously done now. I promise. Well, I can't promise anything. But I'm fairly certain I'm finished.
