The point is that my self esteem, just lately, has been absolutely rock bottom. The thing is, I've found, is that this starts with me thinking a lot about stuff, and then out of consideration for other people who will probably not be interested, I don't express those thoughts. And then I think more. And it goes into this whole thing of thinking too much and doing too little, and I end up feeling useless and alone and just all around bad about myself.
Now I've said time and time again that me and my mind can be friends for hours and hours before we finally get sick of each other. Hell, that's what the weekend is for - I very seldom ever hang out with friends on the weekend. But if me and my mind spend too much time together without taking a break, it just wreaks havoc on both of us.
And I've traced this affect back to its source - the feeling that I don't talk about things that are on my mind.
Now VERY VERY often the things I want to share are trivial, useless things that I've analyzed and that I find fascinating because if you analyze anything it'll end up being fascinating. I've learned from experience that people aren't interested in things like this, and that they may in fact get annoyed if I talk about it because it appears uninteresting, so I usually keep these things to myself.
But what I really desperately need is someone that I can just tell all my thoughts to. Well, maybe not all of them, but someone that will forgive me for boring them with tidbits that I for some unknown reason find unbelievably fascinating. But even more than that, more than someone who will listen, is someone who cares. And even more than THAT, is someone who will go the step further and DISCUSS it with me. I wouldn't say things if I didn't want to discuss it. I want to hear other people's thoughts. I want to take it into consideration. I want to DEBATE with someone about things. Debates are what I LIVE for. Not heated arguments, mind you. Spirited debates. We can get significantly excited about expressing our opinion, and listening to others and then working to prove your own point, and then be friends about it. I LOVE that.
The problem is that I don't analyze things enough to spark a debate - at least, not things that people would know or care about. Whose Line? Plenty of analysis involved, believe it or not. I would love nothing more than to debate with someone about Colin's style of improvising - I myself think he plays the straight man most of the time, but I know some people would disagree with me. THAT IS WHAT I WANT. I WANT someone to know enough about it to disagree with me.
But I also know that no one in my immediate vicinity will. So I keep it to myself. I crave debates, but I have nothing about which to debate. And thus it begins.
I really wish I had a whoser friend - I have a few friends who enjoy Whose Line, and know enough about it, but real genuine whosers like myself, who follow the cast members and know the scenes by their fan-given titles and actually spend time THINKING about it? That's a different story.
I just really wish there was someone who I could discuss things with. Some people can be fine without expressing every thought they have. I am not one of those people. And it's a problem.
I'm grateful for the friends I have, don't get me wrong. They always know how to cheer me up, and how to start a conversation I will listen to and get involved in. I just wish there was someone who I could discuss all my thoughts with. Every single obsessive one.
But there's not. *sigh*
P.S
I made a Wordle out of this post. In a strange way, it really speaks to me about how I'm feeling.
